


In the Dark Times and the Alright Times

by Insanefangirl



Series: Mental Health with Team Free Will [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Broken up Dean Winchester/Castiel, Castiel has mental health issues, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season 15, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Trigger Warning, trigger warning, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26639998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insanefangirl/pseuds/Insanefangirl
Summary: Castiel gets in these moods. Where his fingers twitch and he just doesn’t want to live with the mistakes he’s mad anymore. Normally Dean is there for him, but they’re fighting now, he’ll just deal on his ownOr Dean shows his angel that he’ll be there for him always
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Mental Health with Team Free Will [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889341
Kudos: 90





	In the Dark Times and the Alright Times

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts 
> 
> Get help if you need it!!

Guilt seemed to be an all consuming feeling. It was a raging and unforgiving ocean that never calmed or dried up. It was a constant heavy burden on his chest. 

Guilt was one of the less enjoyable human emotions Castiel was experiencing from his time on earth, his time with Dean. He had felt so much joy, content, and belonging, but it never quite out weighted the anger, sorrow, pain, and guilt. 

He had told Dean once that the guilt of what he had done to heaven made him want to kill himself sometimes. Years later it still did, that and other things. Castiel had messed up over and over. He always seemed to choose the wrong choice. Sometimes he wondered why he kept making choices at all? Why did he keep living at all? 

Normally Dean was there for him. He was Castiel’s shoulder to cry on and arms to be wrapped safely in. His boyfriend would sit himself down and plainly ask Castiel to talk to him or he would just do little things to show Castiel he loved him. 

That was normally. Now they were fighting. Castiel wasn’t sure if the fighting and his feelings were related but he had feeling it wasn’t helping either way. Either way Dean was being an idiot who had told Castiel he was dead to him. 

Castiel felt he was battling an uphill battle with enemies attack at all sides. It was exhausting. He knew how to end his fight to, it would be so easy. His fingers twitched. 

He fought the battle instead of ending it. 

It wasn’t easy though. Memories of flashed in his mind, none of them were happy. 

He was spending most of his time researching, watching Netflix, or spending time with Jack. His solo hunt told him he had to be in the bunker to help with Chuck, it didn’t mean he had to spent time with Dean. Castiel was also back in his old room where he found himself hiding out. 

This is where he was now, in his room mindlessly watching a Netflix show. His trench coat was rumpled around his ears as his shoulders were scrunched up. He had locked his angel blade in another room, out of sight equaled out of mind. 

He was finding that to be false. His fingers almost itched to grab the blade, instead he dug them into his coat. His mind wasn’t really invested in the show, but it made him feel better if he was at least pretending to be a little productive. 

A hesitant knock sounded came before Dean came in. 

“Hey, we’re gonna...” Dean trailed off as his eyes found Castiel on the bed. 

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel prompted when Dean failed to continue. 

Instead of answering Dean sighed deeply and shut the door behind him. Castiel resisted the desire to echo Dean’s sigh, he really wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore. 

“Step away from the Netflix, Cas.” Dean gently picked up the computer and placed it on the nightstand. 

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel repeated. 

The hunter didn’t say anything. He sat on the bed and picked at the blanket for some time. Finally he scooted forward and pulled Castiel to his chest. 

“Is this okay?” Dean asked. 

Suddenly, Castiel couldn’t form words. His eyes teared up and choked sound left his mouth. He simply nodded to answer Dean’s question. 

That’s how they spent the next while. Dean held a sobbing and shaking Castiel to his chest. His boyfriend (ex?) would rub circles into his back and sing Hey Jude softly. 

Eventually Castiel ran out of tears and the energy. He was still an angel but certain activities left him drained and in need of sleep. 

That was what he began to do. Dean shuffled them further down the bed and under the blankets. They were still in there cloths but Castiel was too tired to care. 

Dean wrapped his arms tightly around Castiel. The hunter’s chin rested on top of his head. Castiel placed his face in Dean’s chest and let himself be held. 

“Dean?” He got a grunt in response. “I’m still mad.”

“I know.” Dean whispered. “We’ll keep fighting tomorrow.” 

With Dean at his side he knew he could make it to tomorrow, and many tomorrows to come.


End file.
